Chipped and Changed

It dawned on me today that once you do something to someone, or once someone does something to you, it can never be undone.

I made a lot of mistakes in my last relationship. I don't want to get into the details, so, to put it mildly: I hurt someone I loved. I realized that I can be ugly, mean, vengeful, and dishonest. I did not like realizing these things. I want to see myself as a loving, gentle, truthful, and kind person. Bringing up all this- for lack of a better word- shit, was like being thrown into a storm after waking from a restful nap.

Was all of this always here, I wonder? I try to imagine looking at 13-year-old Larissa, who was so completely romantic, who believed in pure, eternal love, who saw the world through pink shades, and telling her, "You're capable of being a hypocrite, a liar, and a cruel, manipulative bitch." It breaks my heart to even think about it. But where did it all come from, then? Were my actions a consequence of circumstance? Have I been molded by life's experiences into a person I could not have foreseen becoming? I don't know. 

Sometimes it's been so difficult to face myself that I've turned away from it all completely. It's been kind of an all-or-nothing phase of analysis and coping. Either I'm all in it, looking at myself and seeing everything I don't like and having mini-anxiety attacks, or I'm all out of it, unable to think about it at all, distracting myself with life and what-not. 

Once upon a time, I could believe I was not capable of certain things, that I was above certain actions, that I was even better than certain thought-processes. Now, for better or for worse, I know things about myself I did not know before- things that I do not like, that I do not admire, and that I do not enjoy in the least. There they are- the chips in my armor.

As I thought about all of this, I realized: I am forever changed. I won't ever get back to square one. I can't erase and re-write my life. I am not 13 and pure. I am 25 and chipped. Tainted, imperfect, flawed. But also, I recognize, human. Grown, learned, lived.

I wish I hadn't hurt someone in order to learn the lessons I had to learn. I wish it had been cleaner. I wish I'd been responsible. I wish I'd known better. But it happened the way it did, and now I have to carry that around with me.

Though it's difficult to keep this in check, I know the bad doesn't cancel out all the good. My capacity to hurt someone does not kill my capacity to love. I can be mean, yes, but that doesn't mean I can't be kind. I can be bitter, and also sweet. I can be forgiving, and also remorseful. I can cause pain, but I can also bring joy.

I can be chipped and changed, but my heart is still beating.