Being Gentle With Myself

Being gentle with myself is hard work. I am much more prone to thoughts like, "Ugh, I'm so fat," or "My neck is such a mess," or "Why doesn't my hair just do one thing at a time," or "I wish I hadn't done that, I'm so stupid," or "Did I really say that, how dumb," and so forth. Switching to, "I look great, I feel great, I am talented and beautiful and smart and bound for success," takes some effort. And some suspension of disbelief.

The thing is, though, that even in my moments of self-loathing and self-pitying, I am still present to a sense that I am better than my own negative thoughts and that I am worthy of love, happiness, and success. The thoughts happen, but they don't shake my core. The Ideal Me sits comfortably in my innermost being, no matter what hurricane of self-destruction my brain and actions put me through.

Since it's easy to get caught up in daily life rubble, I try and give myself some reminders. I have my phone send me alerts that say, "Be gentle with yourself," "Notice your heart," and "Get present to who you really are." I write in my journal a couple of times a day and let my negative thoughts shift to reality, and then to positive thoughts. For example, the thought, "I'm so fat," with turn into, "I have a body that is made of bones, muscle, blood, fat, water, skin, hair, etc.," and then into, "I am beautiful." It doesn't mean I always believe it, but I do it anyway and, very often, it does shift my perception.

On my worst days, when I can't even fathom having a positive thought, I picture Little Larissa, my inner child, and I imagine myself saying these things to her. Immediately, my negativity pulls back by 100%. I may not always be able to treat my adult-self with love and gentleness, but I would kill anyone who spoke to my inner child in a destructive way. I would not stand for it, and so I am reminded that I must not stand for the treatment I give myself as an adult either. If I can protect my inner child, I can protect myself.

So, if I may inspire anyone today: Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with love, care, and compassion. We often seek this treatment from others, but it is of uttermost importance that we offer it to ourselves.

Treasure This...

As I walked out of the subway today, my older self visited me briefly to say, "Treasure this." And so I looked around and looked at my life at this point in time, and noticed what there is to treasure.

I treasure...

Walking through the Farmer's Market in Union Square on a lovely Saturday afternoon and being able to appreciate the perfection of leeks.

Spending two hours rehearsing today with extremely creative women and then drinking a bottle of wine (and then a bottle of champagne) with them while sharing stories of broken loves and snow sex.

Eating really good pad thai for lunch.

Finding a new novel to read. ("One Day" by David Nicholls. I'm loving it. I didn't think people wrote love stories anymore.)

Getting a post-card from my Italian friend whom I love and miss so much.

Living in manhattan while I'm in my 20's.

Finding a yoga studio that feels like a home.

My doorman asking me about my next play.

An email from dad about the importance of love.

Having brazilian coffee in the morning. And in the afternoon.

Finding Pocky's at my local grocery store last night.

The presence of my little brother on his computer in the living room.

The bitter sweet feelings of the last weeks of summer in New York, when flings either end or turn into love, and the air is a bit cooler at night.

Being given a starbucks gift-card yesterday.

Hopping into the shower soon to get ready for a good-bye party for a fellow blogger, who has become a new and wonderful person in my life.

The sunset I get to see every day from my balcony.

My Buddha, who laughs for me every day, no matter what I do.

My teeny-tiny herb garden, which lives on even when I am neglectful.

My new giant bar of soap.

Coconut water at the health food store. $4 very well spent.

A continuous email thread between me and three blog friends that is always hilarious, heartfelt, and completely inappropriate. - You know who you are.

A friend's baby, so incredibly sweet and loving.

Salt-water taffies. Which I always think will taste better than they actually do.

My shower being unclogged.

My mom sending me emoticons on skype chat.

The surreal silence of a new york saturday evening.

The consistent footsteps of my upstairs neighbor, reminding me that there are lives I know nothing about happening all around me.

...

And there are more, I'm sure, but those are today's treasures- today's particular collection of smiles.