Femininity and Feminism Meet for Coffee

In my head, Femininity and Feminism meet at a cafe to talk every once in a while. They need to clarify some stuff. Here's how it usually goes down...

Feminism: Hello, Femininity.

Femininity: Hello, Feminism. I admit I'm scared to have this chat.

Feminism: Really? Why?

Femininity: I'm scared you hate me.

Feminism: Why would you think a thing like that?

Femininity: Because I shave my legs and blow-dry my hair straight and pluck my eyebrows and wear make-up and high-heels.

Feminism: And you think I disapprove of such behavior?

Femininity: Well, yeah... I mean, at the very least, you disapprove that I do it to fit in to social standards of female beauty.

Feminism: Is that what you do?

Femininity: Not always, but often. Like, sometimes, I wear a skirt, and it's just because I want men to look at my legs. I do want to look good for my sake, of course, but I also care about what other people think, and I care about being attractive to men. And not scaring people.

Feminism: So you think I don't care what people think, or about being attractive to men, or about scaring people?

Femininity: Yeah. Isn't that the case?

Feminism: Not always. I wear skirts too. And I like to be admired. And I worry about scaring people.

Femininity: You do?

Feminism: No one likes being compared to nazis or being asked if they've burnt their bra yet. As far as I'm concerned, all females are feminine, and all females are feminists, whether they know it or not. A woman with short hair who wears flats and doesn't pluck her eyebrows can still be feminine. A woman with long, blow-dried hair who gets a manicure every week and wears heels can still be a feminist.

Femininity: But there are stereotypes...

Feminism: Sure, they make it easier for us to talk about each other.

Femininity: But you don't wear things in order to fit into social standards of beauty, do you?

Feminism: Sometimes, I do, yes. Just because not shaving one's armpits works for some women, doesn't mean it works for all women. On the same token, just because wearing a dress works for some women, doesn't mean it works for all women. Once upon a time, women didn't get to decide what worked for them or what didn't. What we fight for is a world where no one feels obligated to look a certain way.

Femininity: How do you know if you feel obligated or not?

Feminism: You are conscious of the choices you make regarding your appearance, aren't you?

Femininity: Yes.

Feminism: And you're conscious of when you do things because you feel you have to, or in order to get a certain result or reaction?

Femininity: Yes.

Feminism: Then there's no reason for me to hate you. With consciousness, we have a choice. Without it, we are robots. As long as you're not a robot, we're not rivals.

Femininity: So you don't think it's bad that I spend an hour and a half on my hair every morning and hundreds of dollars on beauty products every month?

Feminism: I think it's bad if you think it's bad. If it bothers you, then it bothers me.

Femininity: I'm not sure yet if it bothers me or not.

Feminism: Then I'd say it's your responsibility to find out.

Femininity: Okay. So we're cool?

Feminism: Yeah, we're cool.

They smile at each other, sip their lattes, and live happily ever after.

Image from here.

Compartmentalizing Women: Response to Wombat

As I read Wombat's post today, "Never Look a Gift Babe in the Brain," I got really really angry. As he relaid how men compartmentalize women, I felt my stomach turn. Although I know he probably meant it much more lightly than I took it, I found it unsettling and offensive. Here's my response.

I've heard people say, "Compartmentalizing is just what men do. It's how their brains work."

Well. I think compartmentalizing women is not only sexist, it's cowardly. Especially in this day and age. If you keep a woman in one compartment- say, the "not a girl you bring home to mom" compartment, then you absolve yourself of the responsibility you have over her feelings. If you established that this is "just" about sex (I'm still trying to figure out what about sex is so "just"-y, but okay, that's not the point right now), then you're off the hook- if she develops feelings it's her fault and she has no right to hold you accountable for them. How convenient! And if you're with a woman who is "girlfriend-material", well then she better live up to those expectations, always. If she does something that's "un-girlfriend-material"- say, fantasize about being a naughty nurse or wear a skirt that's too short for someone who's in a relationship to be out wearing- then you get confused and start wondering if you really love her.

I have touched on how limiting it is for women to be compartmentalized in my post "Sexuality of a Woman." But I'll say it again: Compartmentalizing women is an ILLUSION. That woman at the bar who's wearing a skimpy dress and goes home with you on the first night- believe it or not- that woman still wants to be loved. And that woman you can imagine being the mother of your children- that woman still wants to be fucked. And both women are capable of playing each others roles. We choose- or shift instinctively- who we want to be for the different men we meet, usually based on who they let us be. We either put on the "good girl" act or we unleash the "bad girl". We rarely let both co-exist because we know that men compartmentalize us. (Not all men, and not all the time- I am aware I am speaking in general terms here- but I'm responding to a particular train of thought.)

Men and women have brought up that women also compartmentalize men. "He's a jerk, I don't wanna date him." or "He's dating material." To which I say, guilty as charged. We absolutely do that. The difference is that the guy who sleeps around does not usually want to be seen as "dating material" or wish to fit into that category in any shape, way, or form, whereas the woman who sleeps around is rarely happy to remain in that category forever. Even Samantha in Sex and The City settled down with someone in the end, and it was always pretty clear that her rejection of intimacy was the survival technique of woman who had been hurt too many times and couldn't come to terms with denying her sexual self in order to be seen as datable. There doesn't seem to be a male counterpart who struggles with these things in the same way. Similarly, even when women compartmentalize, it is mostly a defense mechanism against being compartmentalized first.

Categorize women and you are limiting who we are.

Let us be ourselves, all of ourselves, and we will grow.

And I bet you, too, will feel much more like yourself, encounter a new sense of empowerment, and find much deeper happiness and pleasure.

Sounds like a good deal to me. Why don't you try it out?

Letter to Hugh Hefner

Dear Hugh Hefner,

I won't beat around the bush. That's your specialty. Here's my request:

Please die.

I think you've lived long enough, and I know you've done enough damage in this lifetime. I am amazed that you didn't get chopped to pieces and pasted on the doors of sexist men who get off on objectifying women as an example of what should happen to your type of creature. I suppose women just aren't violent enough to go through with actually eliminating your existence.

I must admit, I have fantasized about you. Oh yes, Hugh. I think about kneeling in front of you and while you say something degrading and inherently sick to me, I castrate you with my teeth. Oh, I get hot just thinking about it.

Seriously, though, don't you think you've made enough women feel like their bodies (their young, undernourished, photoshopped bodies) are all they really have to offer to the world? Haven't you published enough issues of your miserable excuse for a magazine to make enough women around the world wonder if they're worth lies anywhere other than their cup size, thus encouraging (too many) women to get breast implants they didn't need or weren't even sure they wanted? Haven't you had enough fun on that absolutely sickening TV show of yours, parading your three girlfriends who were not even ideas when you were already old enough to be their grandfathers?

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say yes, Hugh, you've had enough.

Now please, go ahead and die.

I'd really love to know how the hell you got away with all this sexist behavior for so damn long. See, this is something that makes me mad at the whole world. If there were a magazine out there or a TV show about straight white men making fun of, degrading, and objectifying people of color or gay people, we would not stand for it! Imagine a magazine that had a photo-spread of white men- excuse my explicitness- coming all over black men. Or straight men physically hurting gay men. The world would stop it immediately.

So why is it that we put up with these venues where it's okay to turn women into objects in service of men?

I don't know Hugh, and World, I really don't know. And since it doesn't look like it will stop anytime soon, well then I really just want Hugh Hefner to die.

Look Hugh, I'm sure you have some quality somewhere along the line. I know you're a human being and I'm picking you out of a (sadly) very large pool of men who do what you do. But see, you make it okay. You just parade your pimped-robed self around and say, "Hey, it's okay to use women for their bodies, to have several girlfriends at a time, to have sex with women born centuries after us, to exploit their sensuality and beauty." You normalize sexism, and you profit from it.

I know what you're saying to yourself right now, Hugh. I mean, it's a free world, right? No one's forcing these women to do anything, right?

Right. But that doesn't make it right. Nor does it justify sexism. So just shut up with that argument. I'll write a letter to the women who willingly pose for playboy and as your girlfriends later. Right now, I'm focusing on your behavior and my desire for your death.

I know you fell in love when you were young and your wife cheated on you and you never recovered and lost faith in love and all that. I feel for you. That's rough. I know men love deeply, and I know it takes them a while to recover. But dude. You're old. You're a fucking old man. Go to therapy. Get over it. Or, as I have stated would be my preference, just die already.

Listen, I think the female body is beautiful too. I think my body is a wonderful part of who I am and my sexuality and my appeal to men. I understand that men hunger for women, and that getting your penis inside us is very important to you. But you, Hugh, you take it too far. You disrespect our sensitivity, grace, and love of admiration. You hurt us by turning us into bodies and sex symbols for other men to enjoy. You cheapen our sexiness. You empower yourself and other men by limiting what we have to offer as individuals.

I think that if you bothered to look past the double D cups you so love, you'd be stunned by the beautiful hearts that live behind the silicone. If you took the time to see how much we can love, how much we want to be loved, and how beautiful life is when you respect us, you might actually learn that women are incredibly strong, sensitive, graceful, caring, and soulful. We're also nicer and have better sex when we feel respected. But I don't suppose you know anything about that.

But I have no hope for you, Hugh. I have hope for other men, though. I have hope that men in the world, who grew up with Playboy and who worship you, might come to their senses. Might have an enlightening moment one day where they think, "Golly, I wonder what it'd be like if I treated a woman like a human being! That sounds like a life-expanding and soul-filling opportunity. How exciting!"

So, Hugh, I beg of you.

Please.

Die.

Die, and may your reputation and everything you created- or should I say destroyed?- die with you. Die and be forgotten. Die and leave behind the women whose souls you've cut. Let them have a chance at seeing that their self-worth lies beyond their bodies and youth.

Die, Hugh Hefner, die.

With all the best of intentions,

Larissa Dzegar

image from http://www.paddy-boehm.de/karikaturen/gross/Hugh-Hefner.jpg

Masculinity vs. Femininity

"Be aggressive. Really strong. You know, tap into your masculinity."

If you're an actress or if you have ever played a sport, you've probably heard something like that and know what I'm talking about. As soon as I hear that, I get uncomfortable. Mostly, I get uncomfortable because it works. I channel in whatever socially constructed understandings of masculinity exist in me and I am suddenly more aggressive. My voice drops. My shoulders tense just slightly. My hips roll forward. But why, I ask myself, do I need to be told to be more masculine in order to come off as aggressive and strong? Clearly, if I can do it, then those qualities do not belong solely to men. Hm.

Yes, women can be aggressive and strong too. But not only are those qualities that are normally associated with men, they are of greater value when they are present in men. When we say of a woman, "She's really aggressive," we don't usually mean it in a completely positive way. We're not likely to get rewarded for punching someone- we'll probably get labeled as crazy if we do that. But an aggressive man is just being, well, manly.

Now, women have a lot of nice qualities associated with them too. Sensitive. Nurturing. Emotionally Open. Loving. But here's the thing: AGAIN, when those qualities are displayed in men, they are valued more. When we say, "He's so sensitive and nurturing," it's most likely a compliment. Whereas in a woman, very often, even qualities associated with femininity can be seen as a negative. For example, I read an article the other day where a working mom said something like, "If I dare to say I have to leave a meeting because my kid broke his arm, I get glares and eye-rolls. If a man says he has to leave a meeting early to watch his son's little league game, he's met with oh, how cute!" We usually get rewarded, actually, for "overcoming" our feminine traits- for leaving our kids at home and going to work, for detaching ourselves from commitment, for becoming immune to sex, and the list goes on. This does not apply, however, to more practical aspects of "being a woman"- it's still okay if we do all the cleaning and cooking and wear push-up bras, for example. A woman can be the CEO of a company now, but it's better if she does it in heels, never yells, and, when her husband volunteers to feed the kids one night, she rewards him by wearing a school-girl outfit the next time they have sex.

So when do we win?

I don't actually have a problem with aggression and physical strength being masculine traits and sensitivity and nurturing being feminine traits, I think that's pretty much in accordance to our human nature. The problem, for me, is that certain traits are valued more than others, especially in men, and we don't acknowledge that every human being has both masculine and feminine traits within them, in varying degrees. A woman who is a boxer but still wishes to be attractive to men shouldn't feel like she has to overcompensate for her aggression and physical strength by wearing loads of make-up and covering her bulky arms. On the same token, men shouldn't be given an award every time they do a house-hold chore or know the name of a flower.

It seems that there's a whole lot of focus on getting us in to the man's world. But how about valuing a woman's world? If house-cleaning paid as much as investment banking, men would learn the tricks of the trade quite quickly, I'm guessing. If you've never read Gloria Steinem's famous 1978 article, "If Men Could Menstruate", you should. I highly recommend it. In it, she says, "Whatever a 'superior' group has will be used to justify its superiority, and whatever an 'inferior' group has will be used to justify its plight."

So, ladies, here's my suggestion: How about we start saying, "Yes! How great that I get to feel something for the men I sleep with." and "It's amazing that I actually want to stay home and raise my kids! (And yes, I should get paid for it)." and "Oh, I don't want to start a bar fight, that's what makes me awesome."

Because maybe if we start to value some of our feminine traits, the rest of the world will eventually follow suit.

What do you say?

Image from "Porn for Women" http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3171/2884131572_92796377ed.jpg