Tragedy

Once this was an art blog but now it's morphing into a football blog and today's topic is Wayne Rooney. He's an ugly, intellectually challenged, whore-mongering scouser but he possesses a special talent that is so bright you will only see it shining in the performances of a handful of players in any one generation. Ronaldhino has it, George Best and Maradona had it, Pele and Eusebio had it, Paul Gascoigne had it... So as we approached the World Cup in Germany - just six weeks away - I had a strong feeling that England could win it this time round because we had a secret weapon - Wayne Rooney - pumping away in the heart of our team, bringing others along with him - a player with unlimited energy, surging past defenders with natural foresight and self-belief, going for the jugular whenever the opportunity presented itself. It seemed the stage was set and Germany was to be his time in the sun - his chance to be a legend for all time.

Now his foot is broken. Even if the healing process goes well, Rooney will not be match fit, not raring to go like the colt he is, loving his football, pumping the gas. To me it felt as if our World Cup dream ended again just yesterday before a ball had even been kicked. I hope I'm wrong.

On the England manager front, it seems that Steve McLaren had a trial separation from his wife Kathryn and then bonked with one of his secretaries. Well, as I have said before, Steve comes from my home city of Hull where men are naturally oversexed. Perhaps it's the sea air or the fish and chips, maybe the Hull Brewery bitter but Hull lads have a natural instinct to bonk like rabbits and any Catholic priests or celibate monks who have come out of the city most likely had fathers from Lincolnshire! So good on ya Steve! This experience could help with team talks.

Besides, it seems that to be a national figure it's important to have skeletons in your cupboard. Leaders who live cleanly, faithful people with high moral standards, decency and taste don't seem too popular. Even the Deputy Primeminister (from Hull!) has been bonking with his secretary. Now that Rooney's injured we should perhaps get a team up for the World Bonking Championships - we'd probably win that. Last place would most likely go to Australia - well working with sheep is not the kind of training you need to do well in this happy pastime!