Chef

No not Chef from "South Park"! Over here in Merry Olde England we seem to have become obsessed with TV chefs such as Jamie Oliver, Anthony Worrall-Thompson, Delia Smith, Nigella Lawson etc. etc.. All over the country there are people tucking into three minute microwave meals while their culinary heroes painstakingly debone monkfish or toss green salads in exotic homemade dressings. TV moguls are always looking out for new kitchen talent and since Yorkshire Puddings were voted the UK's favourite regional food, I have been inundated with lucrative offers to take up a new career as a TV chef.

Though teaching recalcitrant pubescent urban secondary school kids is a delightfully fulfilling vocational mission, I have decided to succumb to the filthy lucre. Screen tests have already taken place and I have been signed up for a twelve show series to be screened in the Autumn - the mooted title is "Yorkshire Pudding's Bellybusters". I plan to be the counterbalance to all this fashionable healthy eating tomfoolery and the recipes I will demonstrate include toad in the hole, bread and butter pudding, sausage and mash, full English breakfast, tripe and onions, homemade doner kebabs and other English favourites such as Chicken tikka massalla and pork chow mein.

I have signed up a Seattle-based publicity team headed by the ballbusting Alkelda Gleeful to project my image in paper-based media. Here's the initial flyer. Mmmm... wouldn't you just love some Yorkshire pudding in your mouth? Open wide!