The Ex Test

It's like they can smell it.

All of them. On the same week. Within the same 48 hours.

Here's the scenario, perhaps it's familiar to you too:

Merry you are, with your life and your healed heart and many things to smile about, when it's like the Universe suddenly wants to test you a little bit. Just how strong are you, it wants to know? Pretty damn strong, you're thinking. Oh really. Can you handle a text from an ex? Well, yeah. That's what the delete button is for. How about three? Hm. Not as easy. And then a phone call from one of the really old ones whose number you most definitely forgot by now? WTF? I thought we said we'd delete each other for good? And then maybe an email from the one you swore off all contact with until you forgot why you said that? FML. How about a facebook friend request from the one who might as well be dead to you- in fact, you vaguely remember attending his funeral, but maybe that was just in your darkest fantasies? This is fucked up, Universe.

And it all happens over the course of two days. I. Kid. You. Not.

In portuguese we say, "Ninguem Merece." Meaning, "Nobody Deserves That." As in, not even the cow you work with who borrows your pens and chews on them and then returns them with all her saliva still on them deserves that.

What could they all possibly want? Well. They're innocent enough. "Haven't talked to you in so long, thought we'd touch base." Or, "Ran into so-and-so who I know through you and thought of you." And, "Didn't realize I still had your number, thought I'd check to see if it was still accurate." Things like that. The Universe isn't that mean. I mean, at least they're not reaching out to say, "I'm getting married next week but realized you're really the love of my life and I was an asshole, please take me back and let's move to Cambodia where my in-laws-to-never-be won't find me?" At least nobody said that. Right? But still. The past is a witch. Just when you're comfortable with the fact that it's where it should be- behind you- it decides to peek in just to remind you that it may be farther away, but it's never gone.

There's the age-old question of, Can you be friends with an ex? Usually, the answer for me is no. Not that all contact has to be cut off completely, forever, but a close friendship, no. Mainly because I don't want to hear about current girlfriends, I don't want to sit across from someone at lunch with the lingering feelings of how different we are now, and I don't want to read facebook statuses that say, "hot girls playing volleyball outside my window. score." It's just too hard on me. I love deeply, and I don't exorcise the people I love from my heart; I let them leave behind a piece of themselves in the part of me they've touched. I honor my past, which makes it difficult for me not to be affected by it when a whole bunch of it pays me a visit.

The questions are inevitable. Why are you thinking of me now? Do you think of me often? Are you happy? Were you changed by me? Do you miss me? Does your mom miss me? Does your current girlfriend sleep through your snoring? And so on...

There's some mild freaking out. There's some paralysis. There's some search for comfort, usually found in food and Sex and The City. There's a whole lot of, "How do I respond to this? Do I respond at all?"

But then, once the questions stopped racing through my mind and the initial shock subsided, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was okay. I cared about them, I cared about why they were reaching out to me, I cared about everything that was happening, but I was still my happy, healed self. No one could take away who I am now by bringing up who I was. The memories of the loves and the heartbreaks had surfaced, but they no longer had as much power over me. They were exactly that: Memories.

Even all together, all those ex's could not overpower or overwhelm me. The love and pain I experienced with each one of them were now sources of my strength and power. My "weaknesses" and "soft spots" were what rooted me and allowed me to grow.

I started to shift my perspective of what was happening. The Universe probably wasn't testing me as much as it was teaching me new things about myself. I am strong, I have a handle on my past, and my heart has no limit on how many love stories it can hold.

I think that's pretty awesome, actually, and I'm grateful I got to realize it.

So even if it was a test, I think I passed.

image from http://just4ufit.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/healthy-heart.gif