Ceremony

The audience of assembled mature dignities was hushed yesterday evening as the winners of this year's "Mature Blogger" awards received their coveted prizes at The Woodseats Workingmen's Club off Woodseats Road in Sheffield. Each recipient gave a moving and maturely phrased acceptance speech with awards being variously sponsored by Walls' Pork Sausages, Saga Holidays, The Pfizer Pharmecutical Company and The Cooperative Funeral Parlour on Queens Road.

This year the only overseas winner was the mature Mrs Friday-Webb from Rednecksville, North Carolina. Her figure-hugging jet-black chiffon gown with its plunging neckline caused some members of the audience to gasp with incredulity and Ms Mopsa from Devon yelled out "You brazen hussy!". Her brown tweed twinset with cerise blouse and grey Nora Batty stockings did not invite the same kind of reaction.

Above: Mrs Muddy Boots, Ms Mopsa, Mrs Friday-Webb and Ms Griselda A. Cobblers thumbing through "Studs and Stallions" magazine after the Woodseats ceremony.

Interviewed afterwards, Mr Arctic Fox said he had always thought of himself as rather immature and Ms Griselda A. Cobblers from Northampton said that she felt so mature "it hurts!"

Scandalously, Mr A. Clewley from North Yorkshire was discovered behind the stage curtains in an unseemly romantic clinch with the ice cream magnate Mrs M. Boots. Both blushed with dire embarrassment. Rebuttoning her blouse, a flushed Mrs Boots growled "What you looking at you perv!" Mr Clewley asked for a beta blocker.

Direct from Springfield, Vermont, President Homer Simpson gave a video-conferencing address in which he praised maturity in blogging. The Sheffield master of ceremonies, well-known screen actor, Olympian, academic and all round good egg Lord Yorkshire Pudding referred to up and coming bloggers who could be in the frame for next year's awards - including Texan Earthmother - Mrs ByGeorge, Washington State subversive storyteller Alkelda the Gleeful, animal-loving terraced house-dwelling journalist Miss Tracey Muttering-Meanderings, Manchester's princes of blogging Steve of "Occupied Country" and Mr Sparrots from the city's wealthy Cheshire underbelly and last but not least South London's own Hamish McBeth - Mr Walter Reidski.

After the ceremony award winners and supporters all descended on "The Big Tree" in Woodseats and in a mature way got utterly sozzled on sweet sherry and barley wine. Hic!

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