Today I woke up and felt old. Well, let's be clear about the facts- I was hung over, extremely hung over, from a really fun night out with friends, where I drank more than I'm used to drinking. So I woke up today, head exploding and stomach turning, and as I nursed my evil hang-over, I thought, "Golly moses, I used to drink much more in college, and then get up and go to class at 9am looking like a super-model. Right now I can't imagine leaving my bed before 4pm and even then I'll still look like a drowned rat. I think this means I'm getting old."
So I went through the rituals of dealing with hang-overs: drank a gallon of water, took four tylenols, took a 20 minute shower, stuck my head in the freezer, had a fried chicken sandwich, and drank a cup of coffee the size of my head, the whole time thinking, "I will never drink again. Until I forget why I said that."
And as the day went on and I could literally think of nothing but how miserable I felt, things that I care about and think of every day became completely unimportant due to my inability to do them. I didn't avoid carbohydrates, I didn't go to the gym, I didn't go to yoga, I didn't meditate, I didn't do my crossword puzzle, I didn't read a single thing (didn't even want to read subtitles on a foreign movie), I didn't take out the trash, I didn't fold the clothes I wore the previous day, I didn't make my bed, I didn't look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful and powerful, I didn't try to not think of any ex's (or to not think any negative thoughts in general, for that matter), I didn't de-clutter my inbox, I didn't check the mail, I didn't write in my journal, and I didn't even comb my hair. I probably wouldn't have even brushed my teeth if the action weren't so automatic for me. All these things that I "have to do" every day because they essentially make me feel better about myself, my space, and my life were completely ignored today. It's like I got a day off from putting in any effort towards expanding my happiness and well-being. All I wanted was to replace my brain with ice. And you know what? It was kind of a relief.
As it turns out, I put a lot of my energy, every day, into "feeling good". Into keeping the rhythm of my life the way I think I want it. Into making myself and my home look good and welcoming. I didn't even realize that it was all actually quite draining, and getting a day off from all of it could feel like such a relief.
Usually when I'm in some kind of pain I try to breathe through it, feel it but not get overwhelmed by it, not get sucked into negative thoughts and actions, and find a way to see some light in every situation. But when it's as overpowering as my hang-over was today, it just takes too much effort to try to see the good in it and feel better. I just wanted to hang out with how bad I felt and lay there feeling sorry for myself. And that's what I did.
I found that it was actually very relaxing to just feel like crap and not try to change a damn thing about it. By the end of the day, I feel like I got a break from my own brain, and every one needs that sometimes. My brain, my body, and I work so hard to keep me balanced and happy, it actually seems a little bit unnatural now that I can contrast it to a day of the complete opposite. Maybe I don't need to work so hard on myself. Maybe I can give myself a break, not monitor every thought and action, every day.
Positive energy is a powerful thing, and I'm starting to suspect it can do a lot of the work on its own- it doesn't need me to try so hard all the time to turn everything into something good. Even this blog post is the perfect example. I started writing it thinking, I'm not gonna try to put a positive or conclusive spin on anything, it's my day off from my brain, I can just write about how miserable my day was and how different it felt from every other day. And now, as I finish writing it, it turned out to have a positive and conclusive feel to it anyway. I think it's because positive energy, like anything else, only needs us to meet it half-way. It travels the other half of the way on its own. I don't need to take the whole trip on myself. Just being open for a shift in consciousness can be enough to welcome growth and insight into my life. Essentially, I don't have to try so hard to be happy.
What a relief.
Me this morning, feeling like death.
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