The city was a toilet today. Rainy, windy, messy, miserable. Much like my insides. When my external environment matches my inner life, I consider it a blessing and a curse.
A curse because, if it's bad, it seems worse. A gloomy stormy day magnifies my own negative feelings. It's one thing to feel sad and then go for a walk on a nice day and feel the sunshine on my skin, and it's another to feel sad and then go for a walk and get pushed and shoved and drenched by a vicious storm.
But it's a blessing, too, because it prevents me from running away from my feelings and my reality, which is necessary at times. There was no way to pretend everything was okay today. Unable to numb my pain, I had to just sink into it, let it run its course, and learn from it.
I could have stayed inside all day, but I had a commitment, and I needed some air. So I went out in that rain and found solace in how it freed up my thoughts. Fuck it, I don't really want to be happy right now. I don't want to be okay, I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be entertaining, I don't want to be enlightened. I want to be a mess. I want to wallow in my sadness, like a big drama queen, and think it's the end of the world. My umbrella eventually broke- it was that windy. Defenseless, I was free to get rained on mercilessly. I looked up at the sky and let the rain wash over my face, disguise my tears, take with it my make-up, moisturizer, and, eventually- finally- my "I'm okay" mask. I let it take over me- punish me and heal me simultaneously. I'm not going to say it felt "great", but it did feel real. I felt alive for a little while, and I felt like my pain, for once, wasn't clogged inside me, but rather moving through me.
I learned that sometimes, you have to not be okay. You have to just be sad, feel weak, undo any "progress" you've made in your recovery process. You have to go back to square one, forget everything you know about how "everything happens for a reason" and "it wasn't meant to be" and "letting go". Be a teenager and feel certain that in all of time, for all of mankind, around the entire world, no one has ever known such pain. Be a child and feel enraged that something good was taken away from you- give up accountability and just feel how unfair life is. Stomp, scream, thrash, splash. Even if someone's looking, it's okay- they probably won't care.
I can't tell you how great the wave of relief is. Don't get me wrong- giving up control, especially of my feelings, isn't easy. It's actually easier to be in a "getting better" place. I love feeling free from suffering. I love smiling. I love keeping it together. I love handling things well. I love it when I feel like I'll survive this, I'll be okay, I'll get better, I'll forgive myself, I'll grow, etc. But it's just not always true. Sometimes, that's just not what's going on with me. Sometimes I'm defeated and suffering a lot, and there's just no way to ignore it. It doesn't feel good, and it's probably rather uninteresting to other people, but it's still real and must be honored.
I'd like to say something like, "after the storm, there's always a rainbow," but the truth is sometimes there isn't. And I may not be ready for a rainbow yet, or even sunshine. What I do know is that not every day is a rainy day, and even a storm as powerful as the one we had today must get tired. Even if a bright sunny day is far away, it will stop raining eventually. Sadness doesn't suddenly turn into happiness, but it doesn't last forever either.
For now, I'm here, and it's raining, and I'm not always okay. Respecting that this is where I'm at is painful, but, as I learned today, it's also a blessing in disguise.
So, let it rain.
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