Between a Prince and a Frog, There's a Human Being

Simply Solo is a blog that often inspires me, especially now that I'm single, and it did yet again with its recent spotlight post, "I've Kissed A Lot of Frogs," by Josephine Angelini. 

It got me thinking about "frogs" and "princes" and expectations and disappointments. I've put men on pedestals before- heck, after my first date with my ex I wrote in my journal, "I've met my prince," (no joke!) and then, when he turned out to be a human being, I actually got angry and resentful. I have also labeled men as "frogs," though I hate to admit it. For all the crap I've given men who compartmentalize women (it's my most viewed post, in fact), I am guilty of having met men and deemed them, "not the marrying kind," sometimes before even really getting to know them.

When I was 12, I wrote a description of the man I'd like to marry. It went something like, "Tall, with blue eyes, likes to dance, gives me flowers, very very nice, has a good name, and is kind to kids and animals." That's all I wanted then, and it was mostly derived from movies. After each relationship I had, though, I'd add something to the list; smart, faithful, straight, hard-working, attentive, wants a commitment, outgoing, talented, in love with me, passionate, happy. As it goes with life, we learn what we want every time we don't get it, and we take for granted what we do have until we have to live without it.

I've been grateful after each experience- after each loss- for learning more about what I'm looking for. But I'm also able to recognize, now, that it's a tall order. Even if a guy seems to be all of these things, there are no princes. He will be a human being. He will have flaws. Even actual princes are human beings with flaws. What bothered me most about the royal wedding fuss was the notion that people glorified it because it sustains these very myths: that there are princes and princesses and perfect marriages and happily ever afters. We all know that Prince William farts, that Lady Kate has bad breath in the morning, and that there are no guarantees they'll live happily ever after. So it strikes me as a very strange occurrence that we're all pretending they're like the fairy tale characters we were fed as children when, on some level, we all know they are not. 

When I first truly discovered just how much of a lie fairy tales were, I started saying I'd never get married. I started saying I hated weddings and that I had no desire to be "somebody's wife" one day. It just wasn't possible to believe in it all anymore, because I realized the impossibility of promising someone that you'll love them for the rest of your life. I understood that dressing a man and a woman up in fancy attire and putting them through some sort of ritual that said "till death do us part" did not transform them into princes and princesses, nor did it provide them with a permanent pass to Happily Ever After. There's no such thing. No matter how pretty and white and big a wedding gown, the woman wearing it is still a human being, flawed and capable of anything. No matter how beautiful the vows that are exchanged, those two people still have no control over their hearts, and they have no idea if they really will love each other forever.

Just as I have accepted that there are no princes or frogs, though, I have also become less cynical. I no longer say I'll never get married, or that I hate weddings, or that I don't want to be somebody's wife one day. It has actually been quite a struggle for me to be honest with myself about all of these things. I wish to be neither too cynical nor too naive. I have come to the conclusion that I want to fall madly in love, I want to be loved in return, and I want to be so in love that for a while, I do believe I'll love this person forever. I want to say to someone, "I love you so much right now that I want to love you forever. I don't know if I will, I can't possibly know that, but I want to. That's the promise I am giving you. That I want to love you forever."

Whether I'll walk down an aisle one day in a big white dress and exchange nicely written vows with this person, I do not know. (Some things I absolutely know: I will not be changing my name to his, nor will there be any mention of "to obey" in my vows, but that's to be expected of a feminist, isn't it?) I suppose that when I find the right person (not Mr. Right, mind you, which is a modernized term for Prince Charming, but rather the Right Person For ME, at that given time), these things will become clearer. Or maybe they won't, and I'll just do what's conventional because it's easier and because I'm not as unconventional as I tend to think I am.

I'm more comfortable in this place of not knowing what I'll want. It seems more truthful than romanticizing my wedding day or bashing marriage. It is a relief to know that there is no "one person who will complete me," for every person I have loved has added to the woman I will be when I meet a man I want to love forever. And what's most refreshing, is knowing I'll appreciate that when it does happen, it will be with someone I accept and love as a human being, not a prince.



image from here.