The Smart Girl Act

I know a lot of big fancy words. I'm articulate and I have a knack for language. I am educated and full of degrees. I know how to be The Smart Girl. It's easy, comfortable, and keeps people at just enough of a distance while maintaining their admiration. Also, I love the sound of my voice saying smart things. I picked up the act and perfected it as soon as I figured out I wouldn't succeed at The Hot Girl Act.

In high-school, I wished that I could be hot and popular. But I'm not a disciplined person, contrary to popular belief, and unless blessed with the thin-no-matter-what genes, hotness takes work. I don't know how to control my cravings and I don't like exercising. I like to eat, and I like to eat bad food, and I'd sooner get liposuction than spend 45 minutes a day doing crunches. It's not that I'm not hot (I wasn't in high-school, but I grew into some degrees of it later), it's that I don't know how to carry myself with ease as a Hot Girl. I am too awkward, too insecure, and too self-aware. When someone thinks I'm hot, I smile cutely and try to hide that I'm waiting for them to discover that I'm really not.

Now, read a book, write an essay, and discuss a topic-- those are things I can do. To the point of bordering (frequently) on arrogance, I love knowing what I'm talking about and impressing people with how well I can phrase it.

As my title suggests, however, it is an act. The Smart Girl Act is a pose, a performance, and a deflection of who I really am. I know it is, because I can see it when it comes out. My voice kind of changes, I have these strange gestures that make me feel more like an intellectual, and I interrupt people frequently because what I have to say is certainly smarter. I often sound like a pompous ass, and I can hear it. But I can't stop it; as soon as the desire to be liked comes up for me (and it comes up all the time), I bring out The Smart Girl. It's my safety net: if nothing else, they'll admire me for being smart.

I am not that arrogant on the inside. Within, I am simply begging people to like me. I am waiting for someone to love me enough to see through the wordy exterior. And though I can say a lot of things and sound really good saying them, I hardly care to be the smartest person in a room. I do plenty of stupid things, so why bother to present such a polished mind? I just don't know what else to do.

I am learning, at least, to observe it in action. Oh look at me now, showing off that I read that really long book full of big hard words... And, sometimes, I remember to take a breath and stop talking. Just be, and be myself, without forcing upon others my idea about who I am. It's hard, and I'm not fully succeeding yet, but a habit takes time to break. Little by little, I hope to shed the inauthentic Smart Girl Act and trust that I can be liked without it.

Tough stuff...

Anyone else got an act?