Inexperience

Here are some things I have never done. I have never seen even one James Bond film. "Octopussy", Odd Job and 007 himself mean nothing to me - I am not interested in espionage or car chases, motor gadgets or the lechery of suave secret agents. And I have never seen any of the "Star Wars" sequence of films either. For some reason, I am usually attracted to stories drawn from real life - not from fantasy. That may be the reason that I have also never seen a Harry Potter film or read any of the Harry Potter books. I tried one - really I did but a couple of hours with "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" left me bored to tears and unable to turn another page. The writing seemed formulaic and predictable, the characters paper thin. Sorry JK!

Over the years I have visited just about every notable place in the British Isles but I haven't been to Cardiff, John O'Groats, Ipswich, Wolverhampton, Blackburn, Burnley or Reading. Am I missing anything? I have never voted for any other political party but Labour and I have never eaten frogs' legs, truffles or sweetmeat - which is the culinary name for testicles. I have never owned a dog or a motorbike and have never attended a horse racing event of any description.

I think that I am lucky to have travelled to many different places around the world but I have never been to Russia, Alaska, Japan, Egypt, Mauritius, Tristan da Cunha, Australia, Kazakhstan, Antarctica or New Zealand. There are numerous other enticing places I could mention.

I have never drunk any alcopops or worn women's clothing, dropped litter or subscribed to "Sky". And I have never owned a mobile phone or tweeted on Twitter or had even a glimmer of interest in joining Facebook. Never had an i-pod or run a half marathon or scaled Everest or seen a stag or a golden eagle in the wild. I've never read "A Tale of Two Cities" or "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall" or anything by Jeffrey Archer, Maeve Binchy or Jackie Collins.

The more I think of it the more things I realise I haven't yet done. Statisticians say that in "The United Kingdom", male life expectancy is on average seventy eight years. That means - if I am very lucky and can successfully dodge The Grim Reaper through to 2031 - I have twenty years left to tick off the above items. But I shall need sponsorship... please!